New Richmond Blogger Jack Bauer To Run As Write-off Candidate
In a stunning last minute attempt to showcase her unstable personality and to prove that the wheels of her common sense have finally gone flat, New Richmond's anonymous, transvestite blog commentator Jack Bauer has come out of her closet -- later determined to be an outhouse -- and declared that she will be New Richmond's "bullet" write-in candidate. She is urging people only to only vote for her in New Richmond's April 4 school board election. When asked to explain this strategy, Bauer said since she'd be casting only one vote everybody else should -- or else. "Besides," she added, "I have a one-track mind and it helps create a theme for voters to remember. Remember, me good, they bad."
At the impromptu press conference, wearing a full body suit of duct tape, Bauer released a press packet of campaign materials that included posters and publicity photos that help illustrate her strategies and campaign focus. She said she was forced into the campaign, after being kicked off the www.ontheborderline.net blog site for being too irrational for even them.
"Who needs those garden variety ultra right-wing fruitcakes anyway," Bauer stated, emphatically adding, "I wanted to take their anti-community, totally selfish creepiness to an even lower level. But those pansies wouldn't even go there! They only want to walk on the cesspool water. I want to drink, bath and wallow in it!"
Bauer explained that her campaign will have two main themes. The first theme will stress her fiscal responsibility and stressed that she will make sure everybody who deserves it will get paid back.
With the help of the official Do Do Gang photographer, Ima Pepper, Bauer's press packet included a number of photos that will help illustrate her ability and willingness to work with the community and school district.
Bauer said the first photo shows there's no need to worry about her head being screwed on straight and she's not afraid to make creative uses of empty space
The second shot helps emphasis Bauer's skill at making cuts. When questioned about this picture, Bauer said her positions might bring tears to many peoples eyes but, at the same time, would be very appealing to others.
A third Bauer photo displays her ability to remain clam at all times when confronted with a dilemma.
"If you need any clarification on this," she continued, "talk to my ex-husband's. I'm sure they'll waived the restraining orders against me to answer any of your questions. They will tell you that I know the difference between right and wrong. I am always right and they were always wrong. Like me, it's simple! "
Concerning questions centering around her ability to bring closure to issues affecting the whole board, Bauer said she is a master at this. She laughed and explained, "I would stand on my head for the school district!"
When asked to describe how she thinks a school district should be run, with a pensive pose for the cameras, Bauer said the model she'd use is the prison camp. When asked why, she explained that a prison camp has an orderly structure, it's got cheap buildings that you can cram a lot of people into, food is simple and the heat is kept just warm enough so the local village people don't start complaining about the "cold kiddies."
When asked about the final picture included in her press packet, Bauer groaned and said that was just a "glam shot" she threw in for kicks. "It's sort of an action shot that lets voters know that I have experience in the public eye." Pausing, Bauer added, "This particular one was taken after a Do Do Gang meeting when my handlers, William and Judith, carelessly lost sight of me."
Bauer concluded the press conference by pointing out that the second major theme of her write-in campaign would be to emphasis the concept of keeping the community "sweet" and how it intertwines with her concept of family. She pointed out that when it comes to examples of her vision of the "family concept," she points to Lizzy Borden and the Manson family.
Concluding the press conference, Bauer told reporters that they shouldn't forget to mention that she has chosen her favorite song by the Rolling Stones to play at her rallies. When asked how the song relates, Bauer replied, "Because B is for backstabbing, I is for idiot, T is for terror, C is for cheap shot and H is hate. As you can see, the song embodies everything I stand for."
On a more serious note, one reporter asked what her favorite food was. Bauer replied, "Nuts...just plain nuts!"
For the final question of the press conference, Carl the reporter asked her why she waited till today to announce her write-in candidacy. With her patented deer-in-the-headlights look, she she told the group, "Because it's April 1st. The only day of the 365 in a year that I can truly claimed as my own. What do you take for a fool?"
Political contests have often been described as being analogous to a horserace.
