6/24/2007

New Game Show: Stick A Cork In It



The companies that make Kaopectate and Swine Whine corks have decided to get in on fastest growing trend in the St. Croix Valley -- silencing the idiots at the ontheborderline.nut blog site. With the help of these fine sponsors, this will make quite an addition for the upcoming Fall lineup. This is “must see tv” at it’s best!

Watch as migrants working in the fields around St. Croix County work overtime to silence the racist ignorance leaking down the pant leg of the ontheborderline.nut blog site. The workers will appear on-location at a local bean field where they will hold down contestants with names like Luke, Towncrier, ebaybaby, O. Nonimous and Flash. The goal will be to eliminate their chronic ailment of racist stupidity that continues to leave an ugly skidmark on the borderline.

The show will be a double-elimination contest. N. Onimous will be the first contestant. In round one, gallons of Keopectate will be forced into O. Nonimous’s large mouth. Rumor has it that he moonlights as a auxiliary septic system, because of his seemingly endless capacity to excrete bullshit. After commercials from various free-market capitalists showing a unbelievably healthy minority child being lovingly cared for at a clinic run by Minnesota-based company that pays its CEO $1 billion annually, O. Nonimous will be allowed to pontificate to a panel of publicly elected members of a local school board.

If the stupidity continues to leak from O. Nonimous, the workers will apply a very large cork to his anal orifice. The cork will be lowered into the insertion site by a huge crane. The reason for the large cork is that O. Nonimous is such a big asshole. Rumor has it that he is negotiating with North Shore Airlines to use his orifice as an auxiliary hanger. Evidently, negotiations have stalled as North Shore Airlines tries to meet O. Nonimous’s demand that the words “gold standard.” “Communist plot,” “government school conspiracy” and “statists” is worked into the contract a combined 666 times. NorthShore Airlines hopes to capitalize on this opportunity to re-introduce the practice of serving nuts on its flights.

After more free-market capitalist commercials that try to sell you clothes made by starving, orphaned nine year olds in “humidity enhanced production facilities” in the swamps of India, O. Nonimous will again question the panel. If the leakage isn’t stopped, O. Nonimous will be “escorted” off the set, have his upper and lower orifices taped and will be driven to a golf outing by a retired superintendent to an undisclosed golf course that is approximately 158.7 miles round trip. If the workers succeed in stopping the stupidity leaking from O. Nonimous, they will be awarded the $957,582 in profits from the school district pop machines and have their pictures taken with the ontheborderline.nut blog members holding a rebel flag.

To qualify for the show, you must be unemployed, supported by your wife and blog at least 18 hours a day. Surprisingly, the only qualified applicants were found at the ontheborderline.nut blog. Throughout the first episodes, a special pictorial reminded will be present showing at the ontheborderline.nut contestants wearing “Viva Bush” buttons and licking W’s boots during his appearance in Hudson in 2004. So grab your vomit bag and enjoy the show.

3 comments:

just to be clear said...

Let me get this clear. Are you saying the O. Nonimous from the ontheborderline.nut blog is a big asshole? You did say big asshole, didn't you. Sometimes I don't get these things straight the first time. Big asshole, right? Are you saying his character is that of a big asshole, or that he physically looks like a big asshole, or both? Just clarify, thanks. What has he said or done that makes you characterize him as a big asshole? Do you think he has been a big asshole his whole life or just since he got on OTBL? Do you think other people consider him to be a big asshole? If so, how many other poeple consider him to be a big asshole? Now that you mention it, I think he's a big asshole too.

Dr. Ruthless said...

Dear Clear:

I believe your question is rather anal retentive in a banal sort of way. Let's just say O. N. is a a giant brown hole that sucks out the fresh air and common sense from everyday in the valley.

just to be clear said...

Yeah, that's what I said, a big asshole. Thanks for clarifying.