1/10/2007

The Borderline Nut Diet

One day, back when I had a Great Dane, I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart. I was in line to check out when a woman behind me asked,
"Oh! Do you have a dog?"

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I went on to say that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry...that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I answered, "No, I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me."

10 comments:

K-9 watcher said...

Ha Ha Ha,

I know this story is a fabrication because Wal-Mart features "Old-Roy" dog food.
I did a little research for my pet about
Old Roy's "nutritional value".
Most experts agreed.
"Your dog may as well eat the bag".

Mal Wart said...

Hey, Ol' Roy dogfood can't be that bad. It's named after Sam Walton's dog Roy. Sam wouldn't cheap out on his dog - his employees maybe - but not his dog.

CANRAC said...

"instead of feeding it to your dog, just dump it in your yard because thats where it will be in a short while".

That of if this is the true "Borderline Dog Diet" it will be in somebody elses yard in North Hudson in a short while. I see NH is attempting a crack down on people who don't clean up after their dogs, is this another commie "plot" that will be uncovered?

K-9 watcher said...

I stand by my research.
Don't believe me. Try it yourself.
Or better yet. See if your dog will even eat it.

Ol' Roy Testimonials


"Ol' Roy, is generally the stuff deemed unfit for human consumption: the garbage from the slaughterhouse floor (including hooves, spines, etc.) plus downer and dead animals, with flavor added to make them tasty, vitamins and minerals added to make them "nutritious" and preservatives that, in at least one case, are also used as rubber stabilizers."

" JUNK I have NOTHING good to say about this crap. Ya dogs eat it but take a look at your yard and the size of those mega piles left there. Intead of feeding it to your dog, just dump it in the yard cause that is right where it will be in just a few hours."

"Save yourself some trouble and just go to the feed store and purchase a bag of corn if you are going to feed this junk."

"This was the worst dog food I have ever fed my dogs. They hated it! They threw up a lot and had diarrea realy bad. I guess you get what you pay for. Just about any dog food is better than ol'roy. You would have to be cruel to feed this to your animals."

Maybe that's what the "Watchdogs" at OTBL eat?

CANRAC said...

My dog doesn't eat Old Roy, but I know other owners who swear by it. I think it really depends on your dogs digestive system and nutritional needs. Personally I'd put feeding your dog Old Roy at the same level as just dumping a can of Holiday Nutz into the food bowel.

K-9 watcher said...

I'm disappointing myself by not being able to find the level of cancerous tissue, bone, cartilage and other delicious ingredients from road kill that's allowable and found mostly in foods like Ol' Roy.
It's worse than socialism.
I wouldn't feed it to my worse enemies.
Well, let me reconsider that....

Go ahead Luke give it a try for dinner!

CANRAC said...

I guess if there was an "Old Luke" dogfood your dog would just whine alot after you fed it and chase government employees.

CANRAC said...

I think I'm onto an idea here. Give your dog "Old Luke" dogfood and it will instantly whine, chase the mailman and teacher, crap in somebody elses yard, and become a smarter dog on legal rights and statutes.

K-9 watcher said...

You forgot barking on the phone at midnight!

Anonymous said...

No old Luke Dog food will peeee in his pants!!!