The Lesson of Weesconsin

Once Upon A Time, in a faraway magical land called Western Weesconsin, many little quaint hamlets were nestled in the hollers of County San Croix. The pastoral folk of the land lived in harmony with the countryside and led simple lives. Mr. Fleet and Mr. Farm opened a dry goods store. Sammy Walton tendered his wares in a very large box, and always wore his friendly blue vest. The well-behaved children from all the villages were educated (all the way to the 5th grade!) by Mrs. Pickenposey, the schoolmarm. God was in his heaven, and all was right with the world.

Then one cloudy day, the carpetbaggers arrived in the villages and the pea-brained mayors of the villages (with their fifth grade educations) allowed the carpetbaggers to open parks for businesses, and build cottage cul-de-sacs with efficient use of space. Then, folks from the desert land of Manysocialists, and from the poor lands of not-so-Western Weesconsin, came to live in the little hamlets.

For reasons never fully explained in stories like this, these folks produced lots of offspring. Mrs. Pickenposey was beside herself fitting all the youngsters into her quaint little school. But the townsfolk knew just what to do. They gathered on a sunny Sunday to build new schools in all the villages.

But, before they could start, a dark cloud appeared from the border between Weesconsin and Manysocialists. Under the cloud were fifty-five ornery townsfolk. They had spent the entire year selling their nuts far and wide, and they were upset that new schools were being built in the villages. They believed that the timber for the new schools should be sold and the money given to them.

The good townsfolk considered their proposal for a good long time - about 10 minutes. Then the kindly townsfolk wrapped the fifty-five ne'erdowells in tar and feathers. They threw the miserable louts onto a train headed for Bloomington, Illinois, and the losers were never heard from again.

The schools were built, Weesconsin was renamed Wisconsin, and the townsfolk lived happily ever after.

The End.