READING IS FUNDA-MENTAL

Killbear: Now a word from our sponsor.

Announcer: What child does not crave the need to read? But do you produce enough wealth to provide your children with quality reading material? If not, Scholastic Financial Books is the answer for you. Even if your children don't know you exist because you are too busy playing with your Junior Citizen Public Auditor Decoder Ring, you can still provide first-rate stories for them to read. Father of sixth grader Muriel Shawenuff recently purchased his daughter a copy of "The Superintendent's Splendiferous Contractual Adventure" for $1.75 - a full 60% off the cover price of $4.25! Said Muriel: "My daddy doesn't work for a living, but he returned 35 pop bottles for their 5 cent deposit just so he could get me this exciting story of a nice lady who does lots of nice things for lots of nice kids. I told my daddy that I want to be just like her when I grow up. He told me to shut up."

The family of seventh grader Nancy Omninuts also suffers from lack of wealth producibility. Nancy's father often provides Nancy with nice toys like boxes and sticks, but Nancy still desires to have books like the children of contributors to society. Said Nancy: "My daddy buys me a School Board Packet every month. For bedtime reading, instead of searching for Waldo, daddy has me search for pennies in all the big numbers. Once my friend told me that President Kennedy praised public service by saying: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.' I told this to my daddy and he washed my mouth out with soap. Now my favorite book is The Wonderful Adventures of Lizzie Borden."

Yes, ladies and failures, make sure you give you kids the guidance they need to be as screwed-up as you are. They need to know how to read if they want to grow up to be President. Make sure to buy them Scholastic Financial Books!