Compensation Scandal Revealed

Killbear: “Joining us now is our Senior Public Employee Compensation Correspondent Dr. Kirk Kilowatt with an investigative report. Thanks for joining us Kirk.”

Kirk: “mmm-mmmm-mmmm.”

Killbear: “Kirk, take off the duct tape.”

Kirk: “Sorry. Glad to be here Chris.”

Killbear: “I understand you uncovered some scandalous information from one of your deep sources.”

Kirk: “Very deep. Extremely underground. So deep that I’d have to say my source is a groundhog.”

Killbear: “Does your source have a code name?”

Kirk: “Yes, I call him Deep Void.”

Killbear: “Excellent. Well, what can you report?”

Kirk: “Based on top secret information I’ve received from Deep Void, it is clear that coaches in the Hudson school district are being paid for coaching.”

Killbear: “You mean real money?”

Kirk: “I’m afraid so. This includes football coaches, hockey coaches – any kind of coach.”

Killbear: “This is scandalous. Do you think that the taxpayers in Hudson realize that this has been going on?”

Kirk: “Well, the taxpayers I hang out with didn’t have a clue. We still don’t have a clue. We’re extremely clueless. We’re a black hole of clues. We’re totally ignorant of what is going on. We’re downright ignorant.”

Killbear: “Clearly.”

Kirk: “And, to top it off, this appears to be a conspiracy!”

Killbear: “Unbelievable. Who is involved?”

Kirk: “It is a conspiracy between the coaches and the district payroll department. The money for coaching has been paid to the teachers in their regular paychecks!”

Killbear: “Something must be done about this to protect the concerned taxpayers. Please keep us posted.”

Kirk: “mmm-mmm-mmmmmm.”