Resume Please

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , DC 20520


I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost"
and is not available.

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take
a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the
Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil
business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but
couldn't find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly
after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our
friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected
governor of Texas .

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies,
making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure,
Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America . I
cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in
borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any
governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor
of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and
effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for
the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record
for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the
all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the
all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs
and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza
Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for
most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time
U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign
donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best
friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy
fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election
decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent
investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent
investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused
to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I
presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed
the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government
contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than
any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland
Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew
the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors
access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to
abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to
refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S.
election). I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of
any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record
for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the
entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in
U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most
hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I
did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for
war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops
and their families-in-wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied
about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our
British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority
of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world
peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical
Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to
bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC
investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or
minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding
public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
review. I am a member of the Republican Party.

As a "compassionate conservative", I blamed the people of New orleans
for not evacuating the city quickly enough; I was on vacation and
wasn't aware of the danger; my friend the horse judge whom I appointed
head of the federal Emergency Management Agency called me a liar in
front of Congress and said he kept sending me reports of the flooding
which I ignored. But I have proof of my passionate conservatism: I
traded Sammy Sosa to the Cubs.


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