Holiday Gift Ideas for the Looming Depression

The ultimate chopping block by the North Shore Nut Factory!!!

Does taking the green out of your end-of-the-year profits to pacify those statistics you call "employees" make you see red during the holiday season? Do the words "cold is cheap" dance in your head, as you shell out for another holiday lunch for those employees who are lucky their jobs have yet to be outsourced to India? Are you hoping the money you invested in a real estate venture called "Pottersville" will finally pay off in 2008?

Maybe this is the year to give your statistics a chopping block...since your ongoing negotiation with a Chinese sweatshop look like their jobs will be eliminated in 2008. A chopping block from the North Shore Nut Factory is one of the most scurvy-ass gifts that you can give to your employees. What other piece of cheesy chipboard will those whiny ungratefuls still remember you by years later when they spent their retirement as Wal-Mart greeters or derelicts sleeping in front of the Union Gospel Mission?

With our unique firebombing process, using my own gas produced from my endless compost of blog bullshit and Dr. Bill's dictionary for those suffering from terminal nocturnal admissions, we can anonymously reproduce your logo and leave a permanent imprint that will be a reminder into perpetuity of your stupidity in buying your gifts from me. Fruitcake will never be the same...

Please call us today at MY-DUCT-TAPE or (800)666-1776 to receive a free market sample.

North Shore Nut Factory
Ditchweed, MN

With our tremendous volume discount, you can never order too many of our chopping blocks. If you do have extras, you can find a resell market for them next April.

1 comment:

pyrographer said...

Do you have mini chopping blocks for ingrates like the paper boy and the pool boy. I'd hate to waste the cost of a full size chopping block on em'.